Fuck You Boris
Since Boris Johnson’s epic failings as London mayor are now staring us in the face more so than at any other point in his reign, I have put together a list of 10 more suitable candidates for the role:
Big Bird: the big yellow Ostrich from Kids TV programme Sesame Street is in many ways similar to our capital cities illustrious leader. Stupid voice, unkempt appearance, and a large rotund belly are just a few of the parallels that can be drawn. Big bird however would be much better for London. He has a focus on education, on equality, and on keeping his friends and allies working together in a unified fashion, are all qualities Boris sadly lacks. Boris, in true Sesame Street fashion today’s rant is brought to you by the letters C, U, N, and T.
Scottish Trevor from “Eastenders” circa 2000: Basically Boris is a laughing stock. In parliament, on the streets, and online; everyone loves to cuss “BJ” (How did I never notice this before? I know which I’d rather have). Why? Because he is a limp fish, floating atop the dirty water filled political tank. What we need is a real man. A presence in our society who will bring law and order to our streets. If Trevor was in charge, I for one would be shit scared to step out of line, and so would our nations collection of rowdy scrotes. Just ask Little Mo; Trevor doesn't fuck around.
Marge Simpson: She’s intelligent, witty, articulate, and let’s be honest secretly quite fit. We’ve all smashed one out over Marge at some point, which is certainly less than can be said about Boris, and for that reason, she goes into the list. Bart is at some points as unruly as our nation’s looters, but Marge, with massive hindrance from Homer (think budget cuts & generally pathetic governance) still manages to teach the boy a lesson in the end. Boris, are you watching – and not in the wanky sense!
Chris Akabusi: In short, he’s a legend. Why though? He was shit at athletics, had an uneventful stint in the army, was a shit TV presenter, and if wasn’t for the semi-autobiographical (disclaimer: that’s a lie) erotic stories about him, he would have completely disappeared into obscurity by now. But any man worthy of this genius line, is in my opinion good enough to lead London through our troubled times: “Before Akabusi left he wiped his now dying cock on Harvey's afro, bent down to the prone Jordan, who lay liked a painter's radio in the moonlight, and whispered "Awooga" in her ear and patted her on the fanny.” Nuff Said.
Arsene Wenger: London in places can appear bland and colourless. A bit of French flair and flamboyance might brighten the place up a bit. He has other key skills and attributes too: He’s frugal with the purse strings, and keeps an unparalleled and unjustifiable amount of faith in the youth. Finally he clearly, as in the case of Nicolas Bendnter, has the ability to deal with people who harbour massive delusions of grandeur – should be helpful for his day to day work with David Cameron & that Clegg bloke. Mind you the particularly French “white flag approach” displayed by Mr Johnson didn’t really work – so perhaps it’s not such a wonderful idea after all.
Frank Gallagher: Hate him or love him? Frank is a fictional character, but actually really does exist on Council Estates from John O Groats to Landsend. The perennial dole sponger, drug addict, absent father, and general ne’er-do-well is actually probably better placed than Boris and co to commentate on, and suggest a remedy to the problems faced by those on inner city, underdeveloped estates.
If you have never lived the life of someone at the bottom of the hierarchy, how are you going to understand the issues faced by these people? Plus he probably scrubs up better than our current blonde haired portly oaf.
“Cheaper Drugs Now” taken literally isn’t the answer, but honestly and truthfully it’s a lot better than the current suggestions to engage our youth, and our benefit generation.
The Genie out of Aladdin: He’s a dappa, there can be no denying that. He has everything Boris doesn’t. He’s charming and witty, can engage an audience and makes a difference every day. Just because he’s made up, doesn’t mean he couldn’t fulfil a meaningful political role. We have members of parliament lying, and stealing every single day of their lives, and the vast majority of the public just swallow it, so let’s just go the whole hog, and employ a team of 10 cartoonists, and we’ll pay Robin Williams to sit in the studio recording himself saying every political sound bite he can think of, and Robert is your fathers brother, (and the genie is our mayor). Lets also bring back Jasmine, she’s blatantly a dirty little minx.
Jesus of Nazareth, Son of God: We need help, and badly. Who better to help us in our time of need than a completely fictional character, created to keep the sheep sheeping. Oh wait. Well either way I thought of two Jesus jokes, so he’s going in the list. Jesus is omnipotent, and Boris is politically impotent; what’s the difference! If Jesus can feed the thousands with a loaf of bread, a fish, and a bottle of wine, could he clothe the ghetto from one branch of JD Sports?
Robert Mugabe: Apparently before the mass murder, crushing opponents, and this dictatorship issue Mr Mugabe has a proven successful political background, which is more than can be said for Boris. Some leaders inspire by fear, as opposed to our current leaders; I fear Boris might be re-elected. The “big society” is clearly a bag of shit, but if Robby M says it’s a great idea, it really is. I wouldn’t be man enough to disagree, and nor would our disenfranchised youth. Perhaps a reign of terror might be what London needs. Mugabe has my vote….Who gets yours?
Thanks for reading more of my nonsense. Londoners I feel your pain. Let’s all club together, chuck in 50p, and we should be able to fly Mr Mugabe here/hire the cartoonists & Robin Williams.
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