Mister Lean's Blog: More stupid customers services letters Pt 2

Today Ben fell off his bike, which he brought at Sports Direct. In between my hysterical laughter, and ripping the piss out of him, I wrote Mike Ashley a letter seeking some compensation:

Dear Mr Mike Ashley,

Today, I was nearly killed. I still might die. I could have drowned, and even though I didn’t there is a real chance I’m going to bleed to death from the injuries I’ve received because of your negligence. I was nearly slain, by the sword of Sports Direct.

Thankfully, for you, and I, and my family – the tree I skidded into, not whilst on the death trap bargain bicycle you forced me to buy, might I add, but more painfully, and dangerously I would imagine, on my side, prevented me from falling straight into Tonbridge River. Were it not for Mother Nature, I would be dead.

During the brief period of time, in between me leaving the bicycle, and being saved from deaths clutches by a lump of wood, I sustained several savage, probably life endangering injuries. I would already have called the Ambulance to come and save me, but due to my religious beliefs and my staunch belief in alternative medicines, I am going to leak blood all over my sofa, until such a point that I pass out. The blood will continue to leave my body, like decent footballers leaving your terribly run football club, until such a point that I simply cease to live.

I should explain that upon cycling up a slight incline, next to the river bank, on my daily jaunt to the local gymnasium, I attempted to lean forward and accelerate, which I would imagine is a relatively common thing to do on a bicycle, bargain or otherwise. However, apparently the reduced price I paid for the bicycle means that there is a reduced number of functions it can full fill. Seemingly, peddling uphill is not one of them. I attempted to pull away and the chain snapped in two. I was thrown forward, like a crash test dummy, flying horizontal, and helplessly through the air, and landed at the top of the steep incline to river. I reached out to try and grab onto some of the undergrowth, but it was too late. I began sliding down the hill. I was gaining momentum heading towards the gushing torrent of brown water below, which I knew would spell certain death. I learnt later that I soiled myself, presumably at some point during or immediately after this realisation.

From the first second I layed eyes on your death trap, I have had nothing but aggravation, pain, and danger thrust upon me. The shoddy construction of your bargain bicycle, has endangered my safety on numerous occasions. Most recently, (prior to today’s probably fatal accident of course) the pedal came off whilst I was crossing a 3 lane roundabout. Cyclists are killed every day, when they have fully functioning bikes. They get hit by cars, and they die. I had no pedals, and I had to traverse the roundabout using my legs like Fred Flinstone. I was nearly crushed, I was beeped at, and I was spat on. I cried, with embarrassment, and frustration.

I had imagined that purchasing an alternative method of transport might liberate me. I really believed that this £90 would be the best use of such a sum of money, possibly ever. I had dreamt of being able to traverse hill sides, and circumnavigate circular lakes with my children running alongside. A beautiful two wheeled frolick if you will. I had planned to use the new “joy-mobile” to take me to work and back, and had even gone so far as to sell my car. I am now car less, bike less, and my beautiful dream of family fun lays tattered like the flesh of my injured arms and legs.

I have attached the pictures of my wounds, although I would advise if you are of a nervous disposition or get squeamish easily it might make more sense to ask one of your interns to have a look and describe the extent of my massive lacerations, and the other savage injuries.

Obviously I would like to hear from you at your earliest convenience. Your quality control department should have noticed the defects in these bicycles, and they should never have been sold. Your ineptitude and incompetence has nearly cost me my life, twice. It has changed my life, in a massively negative way, and I am keen to learn how Sports Direct plan to compensate me for that. And that’s assuming I don’t die. Pictures are attached: